My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
