I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
