My Higher Power is John Stamos
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
