When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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