Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
