The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
