During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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