Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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