Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
