Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
