He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
