member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
