I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A bitchslap is in order.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
