My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
