I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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