Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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