Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize