Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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