I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
