If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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