You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
