We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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