The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
