there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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