Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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