The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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