not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
