i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
