Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
