i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
