a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
