So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Who died my cat blue again?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
