we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
