Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
