census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
