in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
