I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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