I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
