Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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