i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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