this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
