I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
