Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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