Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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