if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
