and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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