This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
