Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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