the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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