what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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