So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I supernannyed him into submission
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
