she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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